Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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