I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Houston, we have a blender
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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