He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
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