Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
