i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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