your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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