i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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