Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
