If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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