A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
