i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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