good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
