Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
