I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
