guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
