Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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