pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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