life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize