the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
