My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
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