I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
