Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
