I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
