Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
