This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
