hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
