At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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