all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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