I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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