You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
