He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize