$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We need a shit load of segways right now
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
