I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
