I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
