Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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