Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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