My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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