I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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