the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Randomize
