how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
