can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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