I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
