Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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