WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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