i wish starbucks made bloody marys
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
