why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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