just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
