Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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