I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Well I just put wine in my tea
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
