my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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