Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
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