Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
