Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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