How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
