Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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