Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Randomize
