I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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