So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
