The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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