i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
