the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
