You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
