Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
