The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
