Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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