I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
two words...techno handjob
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
