My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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