Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
