your thong is hanging out like whoa
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
